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Beaver County Sends Logs to Pittsburgh as Venango Lays Siege
President Mayor Dambuilder of Beaver County has announced plans to send logs to the aid of Pittsburgh and Allegheny County. This came after a press briefing this morning, where Dambuilder expressed his desire to preserve a strong relationship with Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh. Entrenched outside the city limits, the forces representing the Venango County military are waiting to make their move. Nine-year-old Timmy, as well as Laurel and Hardy, who serve as Venango County's o
Mercer and West Crawford Send Soldiers to Defend Oil City
The call for aid has been answered in the wake of West Crawford's invasion of Venango County. According to sources, Mayor Sockett of Grove City, capital of Mercer County, and Mayor Dogfood of Meadville, capital of West Crawford County, are sending soldiers to defend Oil City against the three enemy soldiers approaching Venango's capital. Additional reports state that a band of soldiers have bypassed Venango's industrial city of Pleasantville. To avoid the unpleasant eyesore,
East Crawford Invades Venango County; Warren County Bypasses Pleasantville
Venango County is under attack by our two northern enemies. According to smoke signals received from Pleasantville, soldiers representing East Crawford and Warren County have crossed the border and are marching toward Oil City. The smoke signals have indicated that the soldiers representing Warren County have bypassed the industrial city of Pleasantville. Rather than enduring the eyesore, it seems that they have chosen to go the long way. Meanwhile, East Crawford forces are m
General News
Beaver County Sends Logs to Pittsburgh as Venango Lays Siege
President Mayor Dambuilder of Beaver County has announced plans to send logs to the aid of Pittsburgh and Allegheny County. This came after a press briefing this morning, where Dambuilder expressed his desire to preserve a strong relationship with Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh. Entrenched outside the city limits, the forces representing the Venango County military are waiting to make their move. Nine-year-old Timmy, as well as Laurel and Hardy, who serve as Venango County's o
Mercer and West Crawford Send Soldiers to Defend Oil City
The call for aid has been answered in the wake of West Crawford's invasion of Venango County. According to sources, Mayor Sockett of Grove City, capital of Mercer County, and Mayor Dogfood of Meadville, capital of West Crawford County, are sending soldiers to defend Oil City against the three enemy soldiers approaching Venango's capital. Additional reports state that a band of soldiers have bypassed Venango's industrial city of Pleasantville. To avoid the unpleasant eyesore,
East Crawford Invades Venango County; Warren County Bypasses Pleasantville
Venango County is under attack by our two northern enemies. According to smoke signals received from Pleasantville, soldiers representing East Crawford and Warren County have crossed the border and are marching toward Oil City. The smoke signals have indicated that the soldiers representing Warren County have bypassed the industrial city of Pleasantville. Rather than enduring the eyesore, it seems that they have chosen to go the long way. Meanwhile, East Crawford forces are m
Politics
Beaver County Sends Logs to Pittsburgh as Venango Lays Siege
President Mayor Dambuilder of Beaver County has announced plans to send logs to the aid of Pittsburgh and Allegheny County. This came after a press briefing this morning, where Dambuilder expressed his desire to preserve a strong relationship with Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh. Entrenched outside the city limits, the forces representing the Venango County military are waiting to make their move. Nine-year-old Timmy, as well as Laurel and Hardy, who serve as Venango County's o
Mercer and West Crawford Send Soldiers to Defend Oil City
The call for aid has been answered in the wake of West Crawford's invasion of Venango County. According to sources, Mayor Sockett of Grove City, capital of Mercer County, and Mayor Dogfood of Meadville, capital of West Crawford County, are sending soldiers to defend Oil City against the three enemy soldiers approaching Venango's capital. Additional reports state that a band of soldiers have bypassed Venango's industrial city of Pleasantville. To avoid the unpleasant eyesore,
East Crawford Invades Venango County; Warren County Bypasses Pleasantville
Venango County is under attack by our two northern enemies. According to smoke signals received from Pleasantville, soldiers representing East Crawford and Warren County have crossed the border and are marching toward Oil City. The smoke signals have indicated that the soldiers representing Warren County have bypassed the industrial city of Pleasantville. Rather than enduring the eyesore, it seems that they have chosen to go the long way. Meanwhile, East Crawford forces are m
Opinion
Seven New Ventures Coming to Oil City
A new chapter is about to begin in the story of Oil City's revival. Not one birthed from cliche visions observed in prior civilizations. But one with variety and an appeal to popular demand. Where lights illuminating from the ugliest bridge have drawn some as far as the Main Street Program, and an overpriced fountain as many as can afford a dime for a wish, more projects are in the making that will ensure security for the future of what has become the pride of everyone preten
Locals Think Meghans Law Has One Kind of Person
Trust and goodness are not the same thing. But for some reason, when you propose the idea of doing good to someone who least deserves it, the words traveling to a listener's ear magically evolve to form the phrase "be dumb and risk having them around your child." I don't know why people hear more words than what are initially stated. It's like we anticipate additional meaning to what is actually implied and feel emboldened to crush potential arguments before they are presente
Top 10 Things to Do in Crawford County
The sudden fall to the Zugnar Alliance has many disappointed that Erie will no longer be known as an independent county. With fears about Elk County continuing their campaign to rule over all of Western Pennsylvania, many are wondering when County War 1 will finally be over. We here at the Venango Republic prefer to look at the bright side of things. For one, Elk County's decision to entrust East Crawford with rulership over Erie means that Crawford now has more to offer than
Sports
KFC CEO Defends Blunders Freedom 8 Piece Chicken Fight Event
The press has brought a lot of scrutiny to Mayor Blunders over his involvement in erecting a chicken coup octagon on the Outhouse front lawn. His greatest criticism is using county land to host a ruthless contest between flightless birds. Now, the CEO of the Kentucky Fighting Chickens is stepping in to the defense of Blunders. Blunders and Whitemeat dedicate chicken octagon to Venango States Anniversary "KFC is the safest pro fighting sport for animals trying to kill each oth
City Fails to Balance the Budget After Parking Meter Malfunction
A parking meter malfunction has drastically impacted Venango County and its capital of Oil City, with a temporary police order preventing people from using the space. According to sources, the meter, located just outside of the Venango County Museum on Seneca Street, has disappeared completely, with what experts are saying is an intentional removal for maintenance. The sign became visible to the public at about 3 p.m. Thursday afternoon. Shortly thereafter, the Oil City stock
How Having a Hay-Bale Tossing Champion Might Advantage the Steelers
A report by the Beaver County Times states that the Steelers’ third-round draft pick is apparently a two-year hay-bale tossing champion. Gennings Dunker, who looks like he was birthed 50 years ago and came here in a time portal, competed in hay-bale tossing competitions for two consecutive years while attending the University of Iowa. We would tell you more, but the article requires a subscription after two paragraphs. We aren’t willing to pay. What we are willing to do is di
Entertainment
Voodoo Reaper Steals Hat From Arrowtone Productions CEO
14th Street in downtown Erie is under a state of emergency after a Voodoo Reaper has reportedly stolen the hat of city-renowned singer Matthias Bankrupt Landbonnet. According to sources from the Erie Eardrum, the Reaper has been identified as the man whose name means God's peace, and whose last name means a mountain of transparent illuminating color. Apparently his first name also is a peaceful dust cleaner as well We don't share real names. For the real name, please consult
Arrowtone Productions Faces Backlash for Arrow-Tipped Sound Waves
An Erie-based sound production company is facing widespread scrutiny after several individuals report being struck in the heart by arrow tipped sound waves. This comes after months of summertime concerts hosted by a company known as Arrowtone Productions, where attendees state they were impaled physically when the speakers literally shot projectiles their directions. According to some victims, the music coming through the speakers not only brought the joy of music, but also t
Exclusive Interview With the Beefcake Who Saved the Voodoo Bar and Grill: “My Life Is Changed Forever”
A humble Erie resident has gained citywide fame after a mishap that took place last Saturday. A man who from now on will forever be known as Beefcake prevented a disastrous situation when he pulled an intoxicated man away from the stage at the Voodoo Bar and Grill on State Street. Overnight, the man became an Erie legend due to his muscular upper torso and fearless, heroic demeanor. After our article hit the internet, the man who we refer to as Beefcake texted our CEO to say
Science
Study Finds Roofs Protect Households From Downpours
Researchers from the University of Venango have discovered the benefit of having a roof over one's house as it relates to preventing rain from pouring in. A case study consisting of more than 20 structures found that those with shingles covering a wooden overhang helped reduce the likelihood of flooding within the home by 100%. This, of course, applies specifically to roofs that have been perfectly sealed. The houses with no roof whatsoever seemed to have the highest suscepti
Local Protestant Says He Was Just Trying to Put His "93 Theses" On the Steeple
An Oil City resident is under fire after admitting his involvement in the destruction of the northern steeple of St. Stephens Church. According to unreliable sources, the man responsible was attempting to hang a banner with 93 theses on it before causing the top portion to implode. His excavator has been confiscated along with monk status. "I just had a bunch of ideas to share." States the man who has been identified as Marty McLuthy. "I wasn't trying to destroy the steeple.
East Crawford Achieves 30 Foot Altitude in Recent Space Launch
The Titusville Aeronautics and Space Administration (TASA) has stretched the limits of space travel beyond what was originally thought possible for Western Pensylvania. A recent press release leaked via the Crawford Carnage reveals another rocket, constructed in Titusville, has achieved new altitudes never before seen by those lacking in inteligence. Mayor Dumbdumb tests 15th rocket this year Details are limited, with East Crawford reporters only braging about the altitude, b
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