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Erie Militia Abandons Millcreek Invasion Just in Time for Dinner

Following the unfortunate death of Llamar Llamley, an Erie native outspoken against the gun shaped Mall in Kearsarge, Mayor Paranoia of Erie authorized opperation payback, in which several Erie militia armed with chicken nugget cannons were instructed to march into Millcreek to gain control of the neighboring rival. The dispute between the neighboring townships began more than three weeks ago when the leaders of the City of Erie realized Millcreek owns all the land south, wes

Blunders Pipeline to Warren Impales Sea Turtle

A sea turtle is in critical condition after accidentally getting too close to a string of straws running through Forest County. According to officials, the turtle was attempting to pass through Allegheny National Forest when it unexpectedly came across a series of straws running along the ground. Moments later, a straw got stuck in the turtle's nose for dramatic effect. Sources confirm that the string of straws is President Mayor Blunders' pipeline, which is being constructed

Judge Beagle Denies Venango Republic Appeal to Remove Anonymous User's Face

Several months of court proceedings have led to the Venango Republic's first loss in the case against an anonymous user, who controversially used Venango Republic content as their own meme, without the written consent of Blobbert Blobfish, founder and CEO of the Venango Republic. In the weeks leading up to Friday's hearing, Blobfish, along with his lead journalist, Jeremy Jetfuel, argued that a successful case against the anonymous Facebook user would require the courts to kn

General News

Erie Militia Abandons Millcreek Invasion Just in Time for Dinner

Following the unfortunate death of Llamar Llamley, an Erie native outspoken against the gun shaped Mall in Kearsarge, Mayor Paranoia of Erie authorized opperation payback, in which several Erie militia armed with chicken nugget cannons were instructed to march into Millcreek to gain control of the neighboring rival. The dispute between the neighboring townships began more than three weeks ago when the leaders of the City of Erie realized Millcreek owns all the land south, wes

Blunders Pipeline to Warren Impales Sea Turtle

A sea turtle is in critical condition after accidentally getting too close to a string of straws running through Forest County. According to officials, the turtle was attempting to pass through Allegheny National Forest when it unexpectedly came across a series of straws running along the ground. Moments later, a straw got stuck in the turtle's nose for dramatic effect. Sources confirm that the string of straws is President Mayor Blunders' pipeline, which is being constructed

Judge Beagle Denies Venango Republic Appeal to Remove Anonymous User's Face

Several months of court proceedings have led to the Venango Republic's first loss in the case against an anonymous user, who controversially used Venango Republic content as their own meme, without the written consent of Blobbert Blobfish, founder and CEO of the Venango Republic. In the weeks leading up to Friday's hearing, Blobfish, along with his lead journalist, Jeremy Jetfuel, argued that a successful case against the anonymous Facebook user would require the courts to kn

Politics

Erie Militia Abandons Millcreek Invasion Just in Time for Dinner

Following the unfortunate death of Llamar Llamley, an Erie native outspoken against the gun shaped Mall in Kearsarge, Mayor Paranoia of Erie authorized opperation payback, in which several Erie militia armed with chicken nugget cannons were instructed to march into Millcreek to gain control of the neighboring rival. The dispute between the neighboring townships began more than three weeks ago when the leaders of the City of Erie realized Millcreek owns all the land south, wes

PLATO Mayors Gather to Sign Agreement with Zugnar Alliance. County War One Comes to an End.

After months of brutal warfare between the counties of the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization and the Zugnar Alliance, the mayors of Northwestern Pennsylvania came together to sign an agreement that will end all conflicts for the foreseeable future. The war took a surprising turn in the last month and a half, when Jefferson County used a new form of warfare, which involved burrowing beneath towns with collapsible tunnels, in order to sink entire communities into the di

Llama's Death by Loogie Sparks Widespread Protests in Erie

Thousands of protesters, representing the llama community, gathered in the streets of Erie yesterday to protest the horrific death of Llamar Llamley. Llamley, who was struck in the neck by an officer's phlegm Monday afternoon, was attempting to protest the Millcreek Gun pointed toward his home City when Millcreek Bomb Squad Specialists spat in his direction. Llamar Llamley of 501 C Alpaca Street The event took place outside the JCPenney entrance of the Millcreek Mall as membe

Opinion

Seven New Ventures Coming to Oil City

A new chapter is about to begin in the story of Oil City's revival. Not one birthed from cliche visions observed in prior civilizations. But one with variety and an appeal to popular demand. Where lights illuminating from the ugliest bridge have drawn some as far as the Main Street Program, and an overpriced fountain as many as can afford a dime for a wish, more projects are in the making that will ensure security for the future of what has become the pride of everyone preten

Locals Think Meghans Law Has One Kind of Person

Trust and goodness are not the same thing. But for some reason, when you propose the idea of doing good to someone who least deserves it, the words traveling to a listener's ear magically evolve to form the phrase "be dumb and risk having them around your child." I don't know why people hear more words than what are initially stated. It's like we anticipate additional meaning to what is actually implied and feel emboldened to crush potential arguments before they are presente

Top 10 Things to Do in Crawford County

The sudden fall to the Zugnar Alliance has many disappointed that Erie will no longer be known as an independent county. With fears about Elk County continuing their campaign to rule over all of Western Pennsylvania, many are wondering when County War 1 will finally be over. We here at the Venango Republic prefer to look at the bright side of things. For one, Elk County's decision to entrust East Crawford with rulership over Erie means that Crawford now has more to offer than

Sports

KFC CEO Defends Blunders Freedom 8 Piece Chicken Fight Event

The press has brought a lot of scrutiny to Mayor Blunders over his involvement in erecting a chicken coup octagon on the Outhouse front lawn. His greatest criticism is using county land to host a ruthless contest between flightless birds. Now, the CEO of the Kentucky Fighting Chickens is stepping in to the defense of Blunders. Blunders and Whitemeat dedicate chicken octagon to Venango States Anniversary "KFC is the safest pro fighting sport for animals trying to kill each oth

City Fails to Balance the Budget After Parking Meter Malfunction

A parking meter malfunction has drastically impacted Venango County and its capital of Oil City, with a temporary police order preventing people from using the space. According to sources, the meter, located just outside of the Venango County Museum on Seneca Street, has disappeared completely, with what experts are saying is an intentional removal for maintenance. The sign became visible to the public at about 3 p.m. Thursday afternoon. Shortly thereafter, the Oil City stock

How Having a Hay-Bale Tossing Champion Might Advantage the Steelers

A report by the Beaver County Times states that the Steelers’ third-round draft pick is apparently a two-year hay-bale tossing champion. Gennings Dunker, who looks like he was birthed 50 years ago and came here in a time portal, competed in hay-bale tossing competitions for two consecutive years while attending the University of Iowa. We would tell you more, but the article requires a subscription after two paragraphs. We aren’t willing to pay. What we are willing to do is di

Entertainment

On-Air Voices Too Good for Radio Station

A declining concept called radio just determined they are not good enough for two talented media personalities. According to widespread conversations in the Erie populace, a man whose name suggests he carves wood on the side, and a woman who might be related to the first actor to play Pennywise, are out of a job because syndicated music doesn't make sense in a world that has figured out Spotify. Consequently, the city of Erie wants to hear their voices still. Especially since

Bigfoot Refused Place in Taste of Talent Despite Sasquatch Age Standards

We are two weeks into the Franklin Junior Taste of Talent vocal competition with ten contestants battling to impress their city over the natural melodic skills their grandmothers will swear by. So far, each performance has been good. While we understand that sounds insincere, it's only because we have been too busy playing video games to show up for the first two weeks. The Venango Republic has vowed to keep our opinions about the competition uninformed in the event that just

Venango Republic CEO Discusses His Future in Fictional News

Founder and CEO of the Venango Republic, Blobbert Blobfish, sat down with the host of 33 1/3 Minutes for an exclusive televised interview about his role in fictional news. To say that the success of the Venango Republic is unimaginable would be an overstatement considering Blobbert's history of fudging viewership. Nonetheless, when applying the philosophy of counting non-followers as if they are followers, the Venango Republic has exceeded all expectations. "The real world ha

Science

Correlation Between Water and Soap May Resolve Stench Plaguing Pensylvania Residents According to Recent Study

A study at Venango Campus discovered a correlation between washing one's hands and good hygiene. According to researchers at Venango Campus, when placing one's hands underneath the faucet at a sink, nothing happens when the water is turned off. However, when turning the handle to a faucet with functional capabilities, water pouring from the spigot removes dirt and grime from a person's body. After hours of surveying different methods, scientists at Venango Campus had the bril

Western Pennsylvania Sees First Case of Tooth Decay After Unexpected Dentist Retirement

The City of Franklin is observing its first, in what experts predict becoming a strain of oral disease. According to sources, the unexpected retirement of a 37-year veteran in dental work is already resulting in the outbreak of dental sickness, with one case reported so far. Oral decay is not uncommon to the Western Pennsylvania region, as many individuals are known to neglect their oral hygiene. What makes this particular case unique is that it may be contagious, with expert

Venango VASA Program Launches Mortimus II After Blunders Drops First Ship In the River

Oil City residents woke to the sound of a rocket being launched in the air. The scientist responsible for tossing it, VASA astronomer Kneel Legweak, propelled the miniature shuttle into the sky for Venango's second trip to the Moon. Unlike the last trip taken in December, reports say that this shuttle will not be landing, but instead will naturally turn back towards the Earth after making a full circle around the mass they hung in the tree above them. President Mayor Blunders

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