top of page
Your trusted source on all local affairs
Venango | Clarion | Crawford | Uganda
Your Money is Our Money
Breaking News:
Population plummets by 2 residents
Recent Headlines
Steelers Fans Furious Over Viral Quote No One Can Find
It is the ethical responsibility of every social media user to drag a person’s name through the dirt, whether rumors are true or completely made up. Such is the case for a sports analyst who may or may not be a prick. We don't know because we haven't heard of her before. But we are still going to believe some meme with no resource presented from a Facebook page that looks sketchy. Jemele Hill is a sports writer that really is as famous as the amount of people who have heard o
Greenland Gains Sudden Popularity After Everyone Ignores It for Centuries
The world is preparing for the scariest moment it has faced since that virus with a 99 percent survival rate killed a bunch of people. Reports state that without context, President Trump will do things the “hard way” if Denmark refuses the easy way. Whatever the hell that means. Meanwhile, the world reacts to the king of vague statements, implying that he intends an invasion. I mean… he technically did not say that himself. It could be he means it, but the phrase “hard way” c
Erie Snowplow Drivers Forced to Eat Snow After Wasting Paychecks on Fuel
Snowplow drivers in Erie report financial strains which have reduced them to three blizzards daily. According to surveys conducted by the administration of Get Drained Quick Schemes, drivers say they have no more money to pay for food. “We've been sitting on the streets daily, pedaling for cash between snowfalls,” states Mr. Sea Tea Eee, who oddly keeps slamming his head on his plow. “Our trucks guzzle more gas than we can afford. I've taken out 17 loans just so I can keep th
General News
Steelers Fans Furious Over Viral Quote No One Can Find
It is the ethical responsibility of every social media user to drag a person’s name through the dirt, whether rumors are true or completely made up. Such is the case for a sports analyst who may or may not be a prick. We don't know because we haven't heard of her before. But we are still going to believe some meme with no resource presented from a Facebook page that looks sketchy. Jemele Hill is a sports writer that really is as famous as the amount of people who have heard o
Erie Snowplow Drivers Forced to Eat Snow After Wasting Paychecks on Fuel
Snowplow drivers in Erie report financial strains which have reduced them to three blizzards daily. According to surveys conducted by the administration of Get Drained Quick Schemes, drivers say they have no more money to pay for food. “We've been sitting on the streets daily, pedaling for cash between snowfalls,” states Mr. Sea Tea Eee, who oddly keeps slamming his head on his plow. “Our trucks guzzle more gas than we can afford. I've taken out 17 loans just so I can keep th
Pastor Facing Scrutiny After Auto Correct Ruins “Ashes Turned to Beauty” Post
A Shippenville pastor is under fire after a poorly timed autocorrect changed his post to a perverse statement. According to sources, Pastor Dunce Pool of the Give Us Clean Hands Church in the Shippenville strip mall tried sharing a Bible verse with a completely different implication. “I genuinely was trying to say that He can turn *** into *****,” states Pastor Pool, who was inconveniently autocorrected again in our article. The international autocorrect system has been seein
Politics
Franklin Rally Aims for Washington, Barely Reaches Oil City
A group of 12 out-of-shape locals gathered today to protest deportation through ICE. According to sources, the protest was so massive that the only ICE agent visiting the county was forced to deploy tear gas on nobody. The protest began at 4 PM and lasted till the weaklings’ knees gave out. ICE agents attempted to enter Franklin but immediately faced impenetrable resistance due to the barrage of guilt comments. We're actually kidding. ICE did not enter Franklin today because
Waltz Threatens to Release County Guard if Mayor Blunders Does Not Back Down
Mayor Blunders of Oil City, and self-declared president of Venango County, has cracked down on deporting undocumented Chihuahuas this year. So far, several elderly women have banded together to hit Glacier agents with their canes and purses to protect their pooches from deportation. Unfortunately, deportation has shifted its focus to other matters. Governor Jim Waltz of Rockland Township is now facing allegations of using county funding for fake salami daycares. You heard tha
Sidewalk Repair Halted Until Everyone Thinks the Same Way
A broken sidewalk remains cracked after months of dispute between officials of the Venango County Senate. According to sources, Minority Leader Kendra Lutelute claims she is being reasonable despite refusing to vote in favor of the sidewalk repair. Hours of debate left members of the Egocentric Party enraged. With only one vote needed to finalize the sidewalk repair bill, Kendra Lutelute refused to cast her support for the decision, claiming that the job could compromise the
Opinion
Some People See Terror Where Others See Panic: Where's the Gray Area?
We here at the Venango Republic stand by our word when we say that our goal is to tick everyone off. Due to a series of articles that consistently point out the hypocrisies of one side, we feel that it is time we point out the hypocrisies of another side of an issue. This time, we go after the conservatives who wildly exaggerate the motives of a woman who just wanted to drive off, thinking that the agent would jump out of the way. Granted, we acknowledge that the agent did no
ExploreClarion Mourns Limitations On Public Shame
We’ve all been caught up in conversations surrounding individuals featured on ExploreClarion’s website. This may involve someone landing themselves in jail, angering the community with a dumb statement, or accidentally causing a fender bender. Yes, this has happened on ExploreClarion’s website.... In a region like Clarion County, where a smaller population causes one’s poor decisions to stick with them forever, being featured on ExploreClarion’s website does a beautiful job o
Local Officials Insist "People Are Coming Back" Despite Population Decreasing
In the wake of a COVID pandemic back in December of 2020, a Venango County commissioner stood in the center of Oil City during the Light...
Sports
Oil City Playoff Dreams Shattered After Massive Oversight: They Aren't in the NFL
Several months of hard work, showing up to games, and ensuring player performance is at its best quality, has officially come to nothing as the Oil City Oil Spills learn that they will not be making the NFL playoffs this year. According to sources verified by the Venango County Liars Association, Oil City's professional football team completely forgot that they were rejected by the NFL for their bid to join the league. The news was such a shock to them that they've spent the
Oil City Oil Spills Open NFL Season Against Biggest Rival... Empty Seats....
The NFL season kicked off this afternoon with Oil City falling to last in the standings. With the NFL failing to respond to the teams...
Oil City Oil Spills Lose Preseason Opener Against Absolutely No One
OIL CITY – The long-awaited NFL preseason opener for the Oil City Oil Spills kicked off last night at Derrick Stadium… or at least it was...
Entertainment
Dick Van Dyke to Return for Reboot of His Show
The miraculously healthy Dick Van Dyke is set to reprise his role as Robert Petri in the upcoming reboot of The Dick Van Dyke Show. According to sources, Dick Van Dyke will once again be playing a modernized version of his younger self alongside his wife, Mrs. Petri, and his son, Richie. With every other member of the original cast already passed away, producers are now looking for replacements to work alongside Dick Van Dyke as he prepares for his next role. “It is very exhi
Locals Awestruck After Sighting County Celebrity for the 30th Time This Week
Madame Gugu, a Venango County celebrity known for her risqué approach and church choir leadership, has left the community astounded after making her 30th public appearance at the local Giant Eagle this week. The famed celebrity has sold so many albums in the Venango region that she is one of the only artists to go copper. With hits such as Controversial Romance, Madame Gugu has caused many in the local community to be inspired by the new generational sound. All 52 residents i
Top 5 Things to Do in Venus Pensylvania
Fasten your seatbelts and get ready for the time of your... actually, it isn’t that much of an experience, but we’ll make it sound as...
Science
Study Finds Acting Dumb Doesn’t Change When We’re Being Unreasonable
A recent study finds that pretending to be stupid doesn’t determine when we are being difficult. Researchers at Common Sense University conducted a test and were astonished to learn that fake ignorance is an illegitimate expression. The study consisted of several control groups with individuals known to be dogmatic pricks. When confronted with real-life circumstances where they were absolutely wrong, each subject completely denied reality, acting like denial somehow fixed the
Study Finds Cats Don’t Love Their Owners, They Just Want Food
A recent study found that cats really don't love their owners but are simply kissing up to get food. According to research conducted by professors at Venango Campus, being trapped inside a house prevents cats from hunting on their own, forcing them to become unnaturally affectionate to win the respect of their owners. A controlled group was locked in separate rooms to perform varying simulations. The first group consisted of 5 single homeowners with lifelong bonds with their
Venango County Offers Photo Evidence of Moon Landing
Successfully landing on the Moon has brought about excitement. So much of Venango County's reputation hinged on the success of this mission after East Crawford became the first Western Pensylvania County to launch a rocket into space. Failing to match their altitude of ten feet was Mayor Blunders greatest embarassment in 2025. However, despite the shortcomings, the Mayor has insisted that Venango County will achieve heights much greater than East Crawford in this cold war per
Our Sponsors
bottom of page